By Andy Smith, House Snark
The 2018 release of Game of Thrones was a fairly brilliant marketing plan by Diageo to cross-brand one of the world’s most famous TV shows with many of the world’s most “whatever” distilleries (plus Lagavulin and Talisker.) There has been some grumbling in the community that these bottles are no better (or perhaps no different) than their non-Westerosi versions. We’ll look at what only one person thinks of them (me), in the order from worst to first.
Cardhu Gold Reserve – House Targaryen
“Fire and zzzzzzz”
Nose: Cheap fake wood furniture.
Palate: Well, this is pretty dull. It’s like wood finish lost its flavor (does that make sense?) It’s like a blander cheerio.
Pretty bold move making this the House Targaryen (possibly to spur sales on a hohum dram). I thought I was getting Balerion, but I got Puff.
The Singleton of Glendullan Select – House Tully
“Family, Blandness, Waste of Money”
Nose: Lumber soaked in sugar and alcohol.
Palate: Noticeably too watered down. Mild sourdough bread. Boring and pointless.
It’s the Season 8, Episode 2 of scotch whisky. It takes the high expectations we have for Glendullan and kinda meets them.
Oban Bay Reserve – The Night’s Watch
“My Watch Tastes Blended”
Nose: Very moldy citrus.
Palate: Cereal in musty closet. Also, that’s about it.
Mortlach 15yr – The Six Kingdoms
“Westeros At Its Worsteros”
Nose: Sourdough and matchsticks
Palate: Bitter wood. Generic grains. Could be any decent blend. Could be any recent under-interesting Mortlach release.
Royal Lochnagar 12yr – House Baratheon
“Ours Is The Whatever”
Nose: Old orange peel.
Palate: Moldy fruit on wheat bread. No finish.
Dalwhinnie Winter’s Frost – House Stark
“Winter is Boring”
Nose: Very floral. Maybe honeysuckle.
Palate: Thin and forgettable. A rose petal in water. Makes you feel like, wait, what was I reviewing, again? Can’t remember, nevermind.
Clynelish Reserve – House Tyrell
“Growing Nowhere”
Nose: Bowl of not-quite moldy fruit.
Palate: Bitter peaches and pears. Bit of citrus toward the end but never defines itself.
Lagavulin 9yr – House Lannister
“A Lagavulin Always Peats His Malts”
Nose: Fake leather. Like being back in the ’70s Toyota Corona. Road trip to the Wall!
Palate: Earth and bitter greens. Like eating a garden, soil and all. Clearly young. Sort of metallic finish.
Earth, metal, and bitterness… like having the Dragon Queen stamp your broken dead Lannister face in the mud.
Talisker Select Reserve – House Greyjoy
“We Do Not Disappoint”
Nose: Watermelon saltwater taffey.
Palate: Salted sugarcane. Little bit of generic fruit jolly rancher toward the finish. Easy to drown in.
And so there you have it. Please see below for the grading scale (which means everything, doesn’t it.) Quite frankly, only the Lagavulin and Talisker are worth getting off your seat for. Lagavulin 9 is easily overshadowed by its cheaper, older, and better big brother, Lagavulin 16. The Talisker is the only expression I’d really recommend buying, but then only at its original price which seems only available in Europe. If, of course, you’re a whisky and GOT geek who just loves the fun of it (I have to admit the packaging is kinda cool) then you’ll have to go find a flipper who bought them up so you couldn’t. Hopefully the prices have dropped now that the premiere has aired.
If these reviews seem brief, I will say this… most of them didn’t earn more words. If there is nothing in a malt, then there is nothing in the review. I don’t make up words to fluff more than is really there. I’m glad I could make the sacrifice so you don’t have to. Special thanks to Nim Shah, who didn’t donate samples, he donated an entire set.
